How To Avoid Being In A Horror

I’ve watched/read a lot of horror and here’s my advice if you want to stay out of one. No guarantees though… just helping to increase your odds.

  • Don’t move. And if you HAVE TO move, don’t move out into the forest, or into your dark mysterious childhood home, or into an estate with a stranger’s furniture left behind. And most importantly, don’t move into one of those three houses they use in all the horror flicks! Safest bet–no stairs. Don’t know why, but ghosts and murderers love stairs.
  • Don’t buy boxes or wardrobes you can’t open and then bring them home to investigate later.
  • Don’t have kids. Sorry. I know most adults do, but it really amps up your chances of being in a horror flick…
  • Stop playing with Ouija boards!
  • Don’t break into closed stores, graveyards, warehouses, abandoned hospitals, or theme parks. It’s a crime, but more importantly, it could lead you into a starring role in a horror flick.
  • Don’t be a douchebag. Whether it’s a curse or Hannibal Lecter, a lot of people would have survived if they hadn’t been assholes to start with.
  • DO NOT PICK UP THE BALL. Sometimes a ball, usually red, will come bouncing out of seemingly nowhere–down the stairs, down the hall, across the yard, whatever. Don’t pick it up! Don’t touch it! Don’t kick it! Just turn around and pretend you never saw it.
  • Make no deals with devils. This should be obvious, but I guess it’s not. If someone wants to make a deal that sounds too good, it is. If they’re vague and sketchy–just assume they’re a soul eater, politely decline and run.
  • Don’t swim in the ocean. Preferably ever but definitely not at sunset/sunrise. And that’s really just life advice. Try not to flop around in the ocean when sharks are looking for breakfast.
  • Don’t hitchhike, hire sketchy tour guides, or throw sass at questionable people in the middle of nowhere.
  • DO NOT DRAG YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER INTO THE WOODS TO PROPOSE TO THEM WHEN YOU YOURSELF ARE NOT AN EXPERIENCED OUTDOORS PERSON.  You see how I don’t even know what an experienced outdoors person is called? And I would not take someone into the woods with me, away from all civilization and safety, because I think it’ll be quaint. It won’t be quaint. You’re gonna get eaten.
  • I’d add don’t desecrate graves, steal from alters, or take pictures of things you’re not supposed to take pictures of…but I did already say not to be a douchebag.
  • Don’t go off the trail.
  • Don’t invoke spirits/witches/demons.
  • Don’t vacation in a cabin in the middle of the woods.
  • Oh, and don’t be a brunette. Sorry.

Okay, I think that’s it… If you have more to add, let’s hear it!

Also, how many of these have you already done?

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INFERNAL

Infernal, my very first ever published horror book, came out last week! It’s available in paperback and eBook on Amazon and a bunch of other sites all conveniently linked below.

Please take a second to add it to your Goodreads if you use the site!

And if you do check it out and enjoy it, please leave a review! It means the world!

 

Goodreads

Amazon

Amazon UK

Barnes & Noble

Kobo

 

INFERNAL

Shrouded in Mystery

According to the legends, those who venture onto the shores of this cursed island never return.

Abandoned

Valerie DeNola and her sister Julie have chosen to ignore the legends and the warnings. They have been selected to lead a team of explorers to the island to discover the mystery surrounding it. But once ashore, they become cut off from the outside world, and what they discover is something they could never have prepared for.

Inhabited by Death

Now they must fight against an unknown presence that is picking them off one by one. No one can be trusted, and when even nature rises up against them, all seems lost. Their one hope is the extraction team they know is coming. But will any of them survive to see it arrive?

 

Published by Grinning Skull Press

Cover by Jeffrey Kosh

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Monster Movies!

Who doesn’t love a monster movie? This list is not going to include real world monstrous animals but the supernatural kind! Real animals get a separate list and a different though equally special place in my heart.

 

 

The Ritual

I loved this movie! A group of friends go on a trip hiking in Scandinavia after a traumatic event. They manage to make all the worst choices and it’s one of those stories that just gets weirder and weirder. I’ve never seen anything else quite like this one.

 

 

 

The Monster

I know. The title is a little on the nose, right? But it’s perfect! And the movie will blow you away. It’s so simple but so well made. A mother and daughter get stuck on a road in the woods in the middle of the night, in a storm, and they’re not alone.

 

 

 

Babadook

These actors do an amazing job of being so irritating at times and then so frightening. This is one of the stories where you wonder if there’s a monster haunting them, or if they’re just losing their minds.

 

 

 

Indigenous

Jungle horror! I was so surprised by this movie. A group of friends on vacation in Panama go out looking for a secluded waterfall.

 

 

 

 

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

Evil FAIRIES!

You read that right. Evil Fairies! I’ve been around the block a few times as far as horror flicks go and it’s something special when you see a creature you haven’t before. I love bad fairies! And these are so creepy. The little girl is a total jerk and her step mom tries so hard to save the day!

 

 

 

The Host

A huge monster emerges from a river in Seoul and wreaks havoc. This is a big scale monster movie, with great characters. I can’t recommend it enough!

 

 

 

 

Absentia (2011)

A woman and her sister link a creepy tunnel to recent disappearances.

This wasn’t a high budget film and yet it’s so creepy and well written. There’s only a handful of actors. And it’s amazing! It’s creepy and a throwback to dark fairy tales.

 

 

 

The Descent

The is a story of a group of friends that go spelunking, get lost, uncover betrayals, AND get hunted by scary, subterranean, people-monsters. Though hinted at throughout, I kept forgetting about the subterranean people-monsters during the first part of the movie because the spelunking was so intense and claustrophobic!

 

 

 

Dark Was The Night

Logging company upsets something ancient in the woods that begins terrorizing a small town. Eerie, snowy, and somehow cozy.

 

 

Was your favorite monster movie on this list?

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My Absolute Favorite Creature Features

I LOVE creature features! They’re somewhere perfectly between an action/survival movie and a horror.

By “creature feature” I mean known animals in the roles of monsters. No Big Foot or Predator or Alien on this list. This is where lions and tigers and bears come into play–but mostly sharks!

I will confess, I watch pretty much all the creature features I can find but this list is exclusively for the ones I would actually recommend to others.

I’m going to try to be as unspoilery as possible and keep things brief!

 

Jaws

My husband and I watch this movie at least once a year–not exaggerating. When everyone else gets the urge to go to the beach in the summer, we get the urge to watch shark movies and the first one is always Jaws. It is a masterpiece of funny, exciting, scary shark terror! Just don’t read the book. Seriously, it’s terrible. Don’t do it.

 

 


 

Rogue aka Territory

CROCODILE! I am a complete crocodile dork and pretty much think they are the coolest animal ever. There aren’t enough crocodile creature features in the world and of the handful in existence, this one is my favorite. A boat full of tourists are attacked by a big angry crocodile and then stranded on a little island!

 

 

 

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid

No, your eyes do not deceive you. Anacondas. Not even the first one.

This movie is AMAZING! It’s fun and exciting and there’s a big snake!

 

 

47 Meters Down

This is one of my personal nightmares! Two sisters go cage diving with some sketchy guys to view sharks while on vacation. The chains snap and the cage sinks to the bottom! This was intense. I turned to my husband while watching this and told him to straight-up knock me out if we were ever in this situation because there’s a good chance I’ll lose my mind and rip off both our masks within five minutes. Better to get it over with.

 

 

Into the Grizzly Maze

Bears!

Beautiful country, lots of egos at conflict, and a big ass bear. Similar to Jaws but with a bear. This was a really fun movie and if you’re into forests, thrillers, and survival stories, you should give this one a try.

 

 

 

 

The Shallows

This movie is beautifully filmed and super intense. I admit, I was skeptical. How were they going to make a whole movie out of one woman being stranded on a reef? Well, they did! And every time the camera slides under the water I was holding my breath expecting to see a shark.

 

 

 

Did I forget any? What’s your favorite Creature Feature?

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INFERNAL ~ Cover Reveal

Shrouded in Mystery

According to the legends, those who venture onto the shores of this cursed island never return.

Abandoned

Valerie DeNola and her sister Julie have chosen to ignore the legends and the warnings. They have been selected to lead a team of explorers to the island to discover the mystery surrounding it. But once ashore, they become cut off from the outside world, and what they discover is something they could never have prepared for.

Inhabited by Death

Now they must fight against an unknown presence that is picking them off one by one. No one can be trusted, and when even nature rises up against them, all seems lost. Their one hope is the extraction team they know is coming. But will any of them survive to see it arrive?

 

Grinning Skull Press has released the cover for my horror novel, Infernal!

I love it and I can’t wait to hold it in my hands.

Coming soon!

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